


A Sociopath's Fears

by Hummingbird1759



Series: Fear-verse [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Gen, Growing Up, Kid Mycroft, Kid Sherlock, Kidlock, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-30
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-06 23:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/741640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hummingbird1759/pseuds/Hummingbird1759
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snapshots of Sherlock's greatest fear at different times in his life.  Rated T for angst, profanity, references to drug use and violence in later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1981

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in the same universe as "The Evolution of Fear", although you don't need to have read that story to understand this one. Chapters are sequential and will be 221 words or less. As always, I don't own these characters, Moffat/Gatiss and Arthur Conan Doyle do. Thank you to Insert Kick Awesome Here for suggesting this series!

Four-year-old Sherlock is playing pirate in his tree house. Normally, Mycroft is there with him, but today Mycroft is studying _. (I don't know why he does all that schoolwork. It's so boring!)_  He decides to try something Mycroft never lets him do: swing on the vine to the other tree. The pirates in  _Peter Pan_  did it, and they looked like they were having a lot of fun!

As he gets ready to swing, a grownup voice yells from below. "Sherlock Holmes! Get down from there at once!"

_(Oh no! Nanny!)_

"You know those vines are dangerous, young man! Now get inside before you break your neck!"

Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll never get to have any fun.


	2. 1982

Sherlock is learning to play the violin. Making music is fun, and he loves the way Mummy smiles when he plays. She knows how to play too, and sometimes they play together.  _(Mycroft and Father can't play anything, and that means me and Mummy are special.)_

One day, Sherlock races up the walk after his violin lesson, eager to tell Mummy everything he's learned. When he opens the door of the Manor, he hears violin music from the second floor.  _(Is that Mummy playing?)_ Sherlock tiptoes to his parents' bedroom and stops in the doorway to listen. The song enraptures Sherlock; it's happy but regal and reminds him of butterflies. What amazes him most is the way Mummy looks. Her eyes are closed, and she sways a bit with the music. Sherlock can't believe she has the entire piece memorized.

When Mummy finishes playing, the little boy applauds. She turns around, startled. "Sherlock! How long have you been there?"

"I dunno. That was really good, Mummy! What's it called?"

Mummy smiles. "That was Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major, Allegro. Maybe someday you can play it. But first, show me what you learned today."

Sherlock does, and Mummy applauds. His greatest fear is that he'll never be as good as she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find the piece Mummy played here: www . youtube watch?v= _SGdzbQAzoo (remove spaces)


	3. 1983

It's the start of Mycroft's first term at Harrow. The family has moved Mycroft into his room at Bradbys House, met his roommate, and toured the campus. Father shakes Mycroft's hand, reminds him of the Holmes family tradition at Harrow and tells him to make him proud. Mummy kisses Mycroft on top of his head and tells him to be good.

"Give your brother a hug, Sherlock, it's time to go," Mummy says gently.

"I don't get to stay?"

"Not yet. You'll go to Harrow when you're 13."

Father grumbles, "Come now, son, we discussed this."

Sherlock hugs Mycroft and the older boy awkwardly returns the embrace. Mycroft notices Sherlock's pained expression and whispers, "Don't get sad in front of Father. You know how much he hates that."

Sherlock blinks, tries to change his expression to a happy one and solemnly nods at Mycroft. After the boys let go of each other, Mummy and Father load Sherlock into the car and drive off. Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft won't really come back.


	4. 1983, part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to BloodyRosie for giving me the idea for this one!

Mummy is having a Christmas party. Grownup parties are extremely boring, and Mycroft and Sherlock have spent most of it on the balcony over the living room deducing the guests. Mycroft sees so many things that other people don't. He says that Sherlock sees a lot too, and that makes him glad. Sherlock figured out that Mrs. Abernathy was kissing somebody she shouldn't, and that made Mycroft smile.  _(Mycroft thought it would be funny if Mr. Abernathy found out. Maybe I should tell him!)_

Sherlock scampers downstairs and finds Mr. & Mrs. Abernathy by the punch bowl. He tugs at Mrs. Abernathy's sleeve to get her attention. She leans down to see what he wants.

"Why do you kiss that man?" Sherlock asks, pointing to a red-haired fellow.

"Whatever do you mean?" She asks, struggling to maintain composure.

"You two kiss and you think nobody knows! But me and Mycroft figured it out!" Sherlock announces proudly.

"Time for bed, Sherlock!" Mummy declares, scooping him up. "Apologies! My son seems to have had too much sugar."

As Mummy tucks Sherlock in, she tells him that it's not always proper to tell everything he knows. Sherlock doesn't understand why telling the truth would be improper. His greatest fear is that people will never let him tell the truth.


	5. 1984

Sherlock's grades have just arrived, and the news is not good. Unlike Mycroft, who has always been a star student, Sherlock doesn't study things that don't interest him. He has done well in grammar and mathematics, but his other grades are abysmal. Mummy and Father both come to Sherlock's room to give him a lecture. Father tells him that since his last name is Holmes, his teachers expect him to do well, and he's not living up to their expectations. He also tells Sherlock that he's a smart boy and he's capable of doing better.

"Why can't you be more like Mycroft?" Father says, throwing up his hands.

After Mummy gives him his punishment, the two of them leave. Sherlock hits the wall in frustration and shouts, "I hate Mycroft!"

 _(Why would I want to be like Mycroft? I'd have to study all the time and I'd never get to play the violin!)_  Sherlock admires his big brother's intelligence, but he also finds him a little boring. His greatest fear is that he'll have to be boring too.


	6. 1985

At dinner tonight, Mummy told the family that she has breast cancer. Sherlock wasn't entirely sure what that meant, so he looked it up in one of his encyclopedias. Even the description is frightening: Cells that won't stop dividing and nobody knows why? Medicine that makes you vomit and go bald? Sherlock imagines Mummy with no hair. He can't decide if it's funny, scary, or sad. Maybe she'll wear a wig.

A few hours after his bedtime, Sherlock is wide-awake. He checks the clock and sees that it's close to midnight, which means everyone else will be in bed and it will be safe for him to sneak down to the living room and pace. Pacing is the one thing he can do to shut off his mind that doesn't wake his parents, and there's more room downstairs. As he reaches the balcony, he sees a light on downstairs. Sherlock crouches by the railing and peers over the edge. Mummy is on the couch looking at old photo albums.  _(Why is she crying?)_

Sherlock's greatest fear is that everyone is hiding something from him.


	7. 1985, part 2

Christmas festivities at Holmes Manor have been curtailed due to Mummy's cancer. Sherlock begged to go to Oxford Street to see the lights as they always did, but Father wouldn't allow it. Undaunted, Sherlock sneaked out to Oxford Street alone. Father and Mycroft dragged him back home and gave him a talking-to, and he spent the remainder of the night sulking.

He realizes that it's midnight and he still can't sleep, so he goes downstairs to pace. When he arrives in the dark living room, he finds Mycroft sprawled on the couch watching  _It's A Wonderful Life_.

"What are you doing here?" Sherlock demands.

"Can't sleep. Neither can you, I see," Mycroft replies calmly. "Care to sit?"

Sherlock flops on the couch next to Mycroft. "This movie is stupid," he grumbles.

"I agree, but nothing else is on." After a pause, Mycroft says, "You really shouldn't have run off like that, Sherlock. Everyone was worried about you."

" _Father_  never worries about me," Sherlock snorts.

"You know that's not true," Mycroft chides. "And even if no one else on Earth worries about you, I will."

"You will?"

"Always."

As he dozes off with his head on Mycroft's shoulder, Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft might stop worrying about him.


	8. 1986

Sherlock's class has just come in from recess. Sherlock is tall for his age but wiry, and his skinny frame and social awkwardness make him an easy target for bullies. After receiving both verbal and physical abuse from his classmates, he's in no mood to deal with Mrs. Jenkins.  _(Even Mycroft hated her, and he loved all his other teachers!)_

Mrs. Jenkins asks Sherlock a question about the solar system, and when he doesn't know, she berates him in front of the class. "Sherlock Holmes, how can a boy who has already read  _Treasure Island_  not know this material?"

Sherlock's classmates laugh uproariously. The boy's face turns bright crimson, which makes some of them laugh even more.

As Mrs. Jenkins walks by his desk, Sherlock mutters, "You're a sadistic twat."

Mrs. Jenkins bellows, "That's it! Headmaster's office, NOW!"

His classmates hate him, Mrs. Jenkins hates him, and when Father gets back from his trip he's going to hate Sherlock even more than he already does. Sherlock's greatest fear is that people will always hate him.


	9. 1986, part 2

After he returns from his trip, Father calls Sherlock into his study. Sherlock gulps. Father only calls him into his study when he's in trouble. The boy sits down timidly and stares at the floor.

"Sherlock, I understand you've been having trouble at school."

Sherlock nods.  _(Mycroft told him about Mrs. Jenkins. I'm dead.)_

Father is not an affectionate man. When he gently raises Sherlock's face so that the boy can look him in the eye, he wonders if he's been transported to a parallel universe.

"Sherlock, you have the Holmes brain, and it makes you special. The other children make fun of you because they are jealous of you, but you don't need them. Being alone protects you."

"You're not mad at me?"

Father's mouth curls up slightly. "Sherlock, if you were the best-loved boy in your class I'd be disappointed. Better you should be alone to develop your gifts than wasting your time currying favor with your inferiors. Now run along, I've a lot of work."

_(Mycroft didn't tell him about Mrs. Jenkins!)_  Sherlock is relieved for a moment, and then his eyes widen. He now owes Mycroft a huge favour, and his greatest fear is Mycroft calling it in.


	10. 1987

At a party earlier today, Sherlock told Mycroft that one of the men he was talking to is having an affair and the other wets the bed. Mycroft called him bad words in front of everyone.  _(Why did he get so mad? He used to be proud when I deduced people!)_  After they came home, Mummy spanked Sherlock and sent him to his room, but he sneaked back out to hear Mummy and Mycroft talking. If he'd stayed in his room, he might not have heard Mycroft say that he wished he were an only child. Sherlock ran back to his room sobbing. Mummy tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't let her in.

As the boy plans to run away from home, he hears Mummy shouting, and Mummy never shouts. Sherlock knows he'll get in trouble for spying, but his curiosity gets the better of him and he creeps to the edge of the balcony again.

Mummy yells, "I can't believe my son said such horrible things! After everything we've been through over the last two years, I would think that you'd know the importance of family! What Sherlock did was wrong, but your behaviour today is inexcusable!"

Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft hates him.


	11. 1988

Mummy's cancer is cured and the Holmeses are vacationing in Barbados to celebrate. Sherlock has spent the afternoon wading in the ocean and taking notes about the dozens of crabs and starfish he observed. He'd been writing down the colour, size, number of appendages, and if he had a chance to see a creature eating, he noted what type of food it ate. As Father suggested, he sketched the patterns of the starfishes' ossicles as well. Now the two of them are at the library using Sherlock's information to find the scientific names of all the creatures he saw. Sherlock's notes are meticulous, and they eventually find an entry for every creature in the field guides.

Father beams at the boy. "Good show, Sherlock! You've quite the eye for detail!"

Sherlock quietly says, "thank you." His greatest fear is that he'll never make Father proud again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ossicles are components of a starfish's exoskeleton. Isn't Wikipedia grand?


	12. 1989

Sherlock comes home from school and to his surprise, finds his brother in the living room. The boy huffs, "Aren't you supposed to be in Geneva?"

"Mummy and Father asked me to come home right away," Mycroft says with a pointed glare.

"What for? Are you in trouble?"

Mycroft mutters something unintelligible and then tells Sherlock to clean up before dinner. Sherlock works out the puzzle as he trudges up the stairs. If Mycroft isn't in trouble, and he never is, there's only one reason he would come home from Geneva suddenly: Mummy and Father have bad news that they wouldn't say over the phone.  _(The bad news would have to be about Mummy, Father, or me, and I'm fine._   _No matter what happened to Father, he'd insist that Mycroft stay in Geneva, so the bad news must be about Mummy._   _Of course! Her cancer came back… oh, no.)_ Sherlock's joy at solving the puzzle is immediately replaced with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that he's right.


	13. 1989, part 2

Sherlock scampers up the walk of Holmes Manor, fresh from his violin lesson. As always, he can't wait to show Mummy what he's just learned. He races upstairs looking for her and finds her asleep in the master bedroom.  _(Of course, she had chemo yesterday.)_  Sherlock shakes Mummy's shoulder.

"Not now, love," she murmurs. "Tired. Go downstairs and play."

Sherlock sighs and goes to the living room to practice. Before he knows it, Father is home from work; the boy waves and asks him if he wants to hear a song.

Father gapes. "Sherlock! What the devil happened to your fingers?"

Sherlock looks down and sees his fingertips are bleeding. "I must've been playing a long time."

Father tells him to wash his hands and then come to dinner. The cook has fixed Guinness stew, Mummy's favourite. She manages to join them for dinner, but returns to bed immediately after. Father asks Sherlock if he's done his schoolwork yet and the boy says no.

"Get cracking then! I shall be in my study."

His parents have no time for him, Mycroft is at Oxford, and his classmates shun him.  _(Alone may be safe, but it's bloody boring.)_  Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll never have an audience.


	14. 1990

It's the night of Sherlock's violin recital. He's been looking forward to it for months because he finally learned to play Bach's Concerto in E Major, Allegro. It's been his favourite piece since he heard Mummy playing it all those years ago and he can't wait to play it for an audience. Mummy is too ill to come to the recital and Father is working but Mycroft promised to come.

Five minutes before the recital starts, Sherlock pokes his head through the curtains and scans the crowd. No Mycroft.  _(Maybe he's stuck in traffic. He'll be here.)_

When it's Sherlock's turn to take the stage, he scans the crowd again. Still no Mycroft.  _(The recital's been going on for 30 minutes. Traffic can't be that bad.)_  Sherlock starts to play and throws all his energy into the piece. It's still a happy sound, but there's an edge to it no one's heard before.

Five minutes after Sherlock begins playing, Mycroft skulks in. Sherlock glares at him. He suspected that Mycroft's studies and his Oxford classmates were more important to him than his brother. Having his suspicions confirmed is a slap in the face.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft has forgotten about him.


	15. 1991

Sherlock knows that his parents are hiding something. He can see it in the looks they give each other and the way they stop talking when he's nearby. In his family, asking direct questions just isn't done, so Sherlock resorts to drastic measures. Two days after Christmas, while Father is away, Mummy is in hospital, and Mycroft is asleep, Sherlock breaks into Father's study. After years of sneaking into Mycroft's room, he's become an expert lockpicker.

The teen searches through Father's files until he finds the one pertaining to Mummy's illness.

_"Treatment Plan for Amelia Holmes, updated 21 July 1991._

  
_You are participating in a clinical trial of palliative chemotherapy with doxorubicin and paclitaxel every 3 weeks._ _Continue treatment until unacceptable toxicity or disease progression."_  


Sherlock ponders this information. "Palliative" means that the chemo isn't intended to cure, merely to alleviate symptoms and perhaps extend life expectancy by a few months. He wonders why his parents are tolerating such incompetence, and then hits him.  _(She_ 's  _terminal.)_  Suddenly, all the clues fit together, and Sherlock realizes he missed something: Mycroft has been handling Mummy with kid gloves for months.

_(The wanker knew!_ Everyone _knew except me!)_  Sherlock's greatest fear is that no one will ever tell him the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The combination of doxorubicin and paclitaxel is a modern palliative chemo regimen for breast cancer. Paclitaxel was approved in the UK in 1993; it's conceivable that in 1991, Mummy would've participated in a clinical trial of this drug. Clinical trial investigators have ethical concerns about comparing new cancer drugs with placebo, so often new drugs are paired with established drugs (in this case, doxorubicin) and the effect of established drug + new drug is compared with the effect of the established drug alone.


	16. 1991, part 2

Sherlock stares at the papers, processing the realization that his family has been lying to him for months. A question jolts him out of his thoughts.

"What are you doing?"

Mycroft stands in the doorway, pajama-clad and yawning. His expression darkens as he works it out, and he says that he can explain.

"Explain? Is that what they call  _lying_  at Oxford these days?" Sherlock snarls as he shoves the papers at Mycroft.

Sherlock stomps off without seeing the agony in Mycroft's face or the care his brother takes in returning the study to its earlier state. Over the next few days, Mycroft repeatedly attempts to talk to Sherlock, but he is rebuffed. Mycroft returns to Oxford at New Year's without having spoken to Sherlock. If Father notices that Sherlock knows the truth about Mummy, he doesn't say so; but then, he hardly speaks these days.

Sherlock spends the remainder of Christmas Break brooding in his room. He isn't surprised that Father didn't trust him, and Mummy is likely in denial about the severity of her illness. But Mycroft would have known the truth, and he was the one person who Sherlock thought would always be honest with him. Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll never be able to trust anyone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to sevenpercent for giving me the idea for this one!


	17. 1992

Mummy is nearing the end. Sherlock goes to the one place where he always used to be happy: his tree house. The tree house is worse for the wear, but still standing. It shakes as Sherlock climbs in and scoots over to the corner.  _(I can't deal with all this emotion. Why won't it just go away?)_

The tree house trembles again. At first Sherlock thinks it's the wind, but then he feels a familiar hand on his shoulder.  _(Mycroft. Of course he's come to collect his wayward baby brother.)_

Mycroft whispers, "She'll go whether you see her or not."

Sherlock's greatest fear  _(wish?)_  is that Mycroft will drag him down to see Mummy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To find out what Mycroft does, read the 1992 chapters of The Evolution of Fear.


	18. 1992, part 2

Hesitantly, Sherlock enters Mummy's room. Sherlock sits next to Mummy's bed and quietly tells her that she's beautiful.  _(I wish I had a better word. Saying that Mummy's beautiful is like saying the Queen's rich.)_

"Sherlock, I know your father has been hard on you. He wants you to succeed, and he's afraid that if he doesn't pressure you, you'll waste your remarkable gifts. But he does care for you, son."

Sherlock nods mutely.

Mummy tells Sherlock that she wants him to have her violin. Tears prick Sherlock's eyes; the instrument is a Stradivarius and he's always coveted it. She asks him to play it for her, and he plays the only thing that comes to mind: Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major, Allegro.

After Sherlock finishes, Mummy wraps her skeletal hands around one of Sherlock's and smiles. "I want you to know that I've always been proud of you. You are very much a rapscallion, but I think that's precisely what your father and Mycroft need." She pauses and adds, "Don't be too hard on them, love. They just don't understand us."

Sherlock kisses Mummy and departs, violin in hand. His greatest fear is that no one will ever be proud of him again.


	19. 1993

Sherlock is home on a break. His brother isn't at the Manor because Cambridge's Lent Recess fell on a different week than Harrow's this year. Sherlock has the run of the house during the day – the servants give him his space and he gives them theirs. Father, however, insists on eating dinner with his son every night. Sherlock doesn't understand why. The two men barely converse and usually spend the entire meal chewing their food in silence.  _(But he can still say that we eat dinner together every night, as if that automatically makes us the sodding perfect family.)_

Staring across the table at Father, Sherlock wonders why he keeps coming home for these breaks. Mummy is dead, Mycroft is insufferable, and Father is a entertaining as a stone statue.  _(And if I didn't go home, Mycroft would phone every day with a guilt trip and Father would lecture me about filial piety.)_

Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll never escape the Manor.


	20. 1994

Sherlock has started applying to universities, and Oxford is first on his list. After sending in his application, Sherlock obsessively checked his mailbox for any news from Oxford.  _(Waiting is intolerable.)_

Father and Mycroft both attended Oxford after they graduated from Harrow, and they both went on to pursue advanced degrees at Cambridge. Sherlock can't help but wrinkle his nose in disgust every time he thinks about them. To Sherlock, Father is a man with a dull government job who abdicated his family responsibilities and only pretends to get along with his sons because he doesn't want people to talk. Mycroft, meanwhile, is on track for a dull government job, sucks up to anyone who can further his career, never lets anyone forget that he's The Good Son, and will probably marry some dull woman, have some dull children, and be as good a parent as Father.

The young man sighs. He only applied to Oxford because he overheard Father saying he'd never get in, and now he realizes he's painted himself into a corner: if Oxford accepts him, he must attend, and if he attends, he'll end up like Mycroft and Father. Sherlock's greatest fear is turning into someone he hates.


	21. 1994, part 2

Sherlock returns home for Christmas Break. Father greets him formally, as if it's been four hours since they last saw each other instead of four months. The first question he asks is whether or not Sherlock has heard anything from Oxford.

"Yes. Rejected," Sherlock says, staring defiantly at Father.

Father nods. "I expected as much."

Sherlock stalks upstairs to put away his luggage. As he unzips one of his bags, he hears Mycroft come in. Father sounds excited  _(well, as excited as he ever is)_ to see Mycroft. Sherlock lets out an angry sigh.  _(Really, Father, must your favouritism be so blatant?)_

Sherlock decides there's no point in trying to talk to either of them. He silently pecks at his Christmas dinner while Father pontificates. Mycroft gorges himself and provides the occasional interjection.  _(Disgusting.)_

Back in his bedroom, Sherlock breathes a sigh of relief.  _(No more insufferable family meals until next Christmas... oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!)_  Sherlock's greatest fear is repeating this whole debacle at his graduation this spring.


	22. 1995

Sherlock is on his gap year. Unlike Mycroft, who had an internship lined up well in advance, Sherlock didn't have any plans. That didn't stop Father from insisting he do something with his life and get some culture.  _(And that I get away from him.)_ The young man opts to spend the year traveling. He tries cocaine during a visit to Amsterdam, and it's the greatest sensation he's ever known. It's as if he's ten feet tall and bulletproof! And dear God, the  _focus_  that cocaine gives him! Finally, he's can cut out all the extraneous data! It's the perfect antidote to boredom.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that he won't be able to continue using cocaine when he returns home.


	23. 1996

Sherlock comes home after an afternoon of "recreation" in London to find Mycroft sitting on his bed with a small box in his lap.  _(Of course he snooped. Must keep baby brother in line.)_

"What are you doing here?" Sherlock demands.

Mycroft lifts his nose in the air and says, "In case you hadn't noticed, it's Christmas."

_(Infuriating literalist!)_  Sherlock spits, "I meant what are you doing  _in my room_ , wanker?"

He holds up Sherlock's drug stash and says, "I'm worried about you. With good reason, it appears."

_(Yes, disguise your fear of ruining your reputation with brotherly concern.)_  The younger Holmes snatches the drugs and orders his brother out. When Mycroft says that Mummy would be disappointed in him, the teen flies off the handle.

Rage boiling over, he growls, "And she's probably delighted that you're here to remind me of all my faults!"

Sherlock gives Mycroft a sound thrashing and shoves him out of his room. Still livid and without an outlet for his anger, the young man decides that one line before Christmas dinner won't hurt anything.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft will never stop interfering with his affairs.


	24. 1997

Sherlock has decided that University is a bloody waste of time.  _(The other students are extraordinarily dull, the professors are pompous arses, and they can't teach me anything I can't learn on my own.)_  He drops out, and Father throws him out of the Manor. Staying in England isn't an option, as Mycroft will no doubt spy on him and report back to Father. Sherlock decides to get as far away from his family as he can and goes to America on a tourist visa. He chooses to live in Florida because from what he's read, it's a somewhat lawless place inhabited by drug dealers, scam artists, and the Mafia.  _(Should provide sufficent entertainment.)_

Aside from the stultifying humidity and heat, Sherlock enjoys Florida. Since the police here are even more overworked and less competent than the police in London, he has plenty of work (and drugs). Since so many people swoon over his accent, talking his way into whatever he wants is much easier here than at home.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll have to return to England.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions on Florida are Sherlock's and not my own.


	25. 1997, part 2

Florida has a massive criminal element, but Sherlock has an equally massive cocaine habit, and thus he finds it increasingly difficult to get by on private detective work alone. He'd rather cut off his arm than call Mycroft or Father for money  _(or any other reason)_ , so he resorts to drastic measures: getting a part-time job tending bar at a tourist trap next to Universal Studios. The owner is a former client and agrees to keep his employment off the books. While the job gives him decent income and quite a few leads on new cases, the clientele can be maddening.

On hearing Sherlock's accent, many tourists fake the worst British accent since Dick Van Dyke and ask for "a spot of tea." After his first two days, Sherlock begins speaking in a Midwestern American accent while at work and tells everyone he's from Nebraska.

The stupidity doesn't stop there: every day he hears comments about the "historical accuracy" of the castle at Disney World, the "educational value" of EPCOT Center, and the supposed thrills of Space Mountain.  _(It's merely a magic trick. What do people see in these things?)_

Sherlock's greatest fear is that all this idiocy is contagious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you phanpiggy and sevenpercent for suggesting the idea of Sherlock at a theme park! I put him just outside the theme parks so that he'd see more varieties of tourist and thus have more to complain about. :)
> 
> Dick Van Dyke played a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins and his performance in that film is widely considered to be one of the worst examples of an American actor trying to fake a British accent.


	26. 1998

Sherlock has found a new drug dealer. Rick Hudson has the best cocaine anyone's ever tried, and Sherlock tells himself that's why he keeps coming over to Rick's house. It's certainly got nothing to do with the fact that Mrs. Hudson is British and makes fabulous scones. He is  _not_  homesick, thank you, and Mrs. Hudson certainly does  _not_  remind him of Mummy; the fact that she's always impeccably dressed and has the same favourite colour as Mummy is just a coincidence.  _(Mummy's been gone six years. It would be foolish of me to still miss her!)_

In any case, Sherlock enjoys Mrs. Hudson's company, and as the months wear on, he finds that he's worried about her. Everyone from Pensacola to Key West has heard the stories of what Rick does to junkies who don't pay, or people who take a share of his business, or people who simply look at him cross-eyed. Even if the stories are only half true, he's a dangerous man.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that Rick will one day lose his legendary temper with Mrs. Hudson.


	27. June 1999

On a sticky summer night, the county sheriff hauls Rick Hudson into a squad car while Sherlock and Mrs. Hudson watch from the porch. Sherlock is, as always, stoic. Mrs. Hudson pretends she's not shedding tears of relief.

"Thank you, Sherlock," she says after the police cars leave.

"I always appreciate seeing justice served," Sherlock says with a slight smile. "He'll likely get the electric chair for this."

"Good," she says.

Sherlock looks at her askance. "Good?"

"With him on death row, I can go home. I never much cared for Florida – foul, hot weather, no place to get decent tea, and the bugs! Bloody insects everywhere, no matter how much you clean! They drive me mad!"

Sherlock looks like a kicked puppy. "You're going back to England?"

"Yes. My sister invited me to stay with her until I get back on my feet." She looks up at Sherlock pleadingly. "Come back with me, Sherlock. I'm sure your father and brother miss you. And even if they don't, I will."

Sherlock tells her he'll think about it and sashays off to his car. He can't decide what frightens him more: the prospect of dealing with Mycroft and Father or the prospect of never seeing Mrs. Hudson again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions on Florida in this chapter are Mrs. Hudson's and not my own. Rick's crime is a story unto itself and I didn't think this format would do it justice.


	28. October 1999

During the investigation of the murders committed by Rick Hudson, the police find that Sherlock's visa is expired. Because Sherlock's testimony and the evidence he procured are vital to the investigation, the authorities allow Sherlock to remain in Florida until he can testify in court. When the trial ends, Sherlock is put on the first plane to London.

"Sorry 'bout this, Mr. Holmes," the county sheriff tells him at the airport. "We never could've solved that case without you. If you ever want to come back – legally, you understand – let me know and I'll see what I can do for you."

Sherlock mutters something noncommittal, says goodbye, and makes his way to the pay phones. He calls Mycroft collect, and to his everlasting shock, his brother accepts the charges.

"Hello, brother. The Prodigal Son is returning home." Mycroft begins to speak, but Sherlock interrupts. "Mycroft, my plane leaves Orlando very soon, but I assure you that everyone's disappointment in me has been at the forefront of my mind. See you at Heathrow!"

As Sherlock hangs up the phone, his greatest fear is that life in England will be boring.


	29. November 1999

Upon his return to England, one of the first things Sherlock did was to ring Mrs. Hudson. She asked him if he was still using cocaine, and Sherlock, ever honest, said that he was.

"Then I'm afraid I can't see you, Sherlock."

"What?"

"Sherlock, I love you like a son, and I can't watch you destroy yourself. Drugs are only preventing you from using your talents. Please go to rehab, Sherlock. For me."

Thus far in Sherlock's life, there have been only two people who could get him to do anything just by saying please: his mother and Mrs. Hudson. And so, on a gray day Mycroft drives Sherlock to rehab.

Mycroft, of course, lectures Sherlock about what a terrible son and brother he is and how he ought to be ashamed of himself. Sherlock only barely listens. He's known for years what Mycroft and Father think of him. Going to rehab won't change them, he tells himself.  _(But if it means I can see Mrs. Hudson, then perhaps I should give it a try.)_

Sherlock's greatest fear is letting Mrs. Hudson down.


	30. March 2000

Sherlock has been out of rehab for a few weeks and has moved to a new flat far from his family and his drug connections. Mycroft sighs as he picks up the phone to ring his brother. He knew he'd have to make this call someday, but he was hoping to put it off a bit longer.

Sherlock yawns, "Hello, brother. Is this about Father again?"

"Yes-"

"I'm bloody tired of hearing that he wants to see me. Isn't he above all that sentiment?"

"Sherlock-"

"He thinks because he suddenly deigns to forgive my sins, I should forgive his and come home? Slay the fatted calf for the Prodigal Son and-"

_"Enough, Sherlock!"_  Mycroft bellows, and the younger man is momentarily cowed. "Father died in his sleep last night. The funeral will be Tuesday, 10 AM at St. Vincent's. I hope you can come!"

The phone call ends with an angry click. Sherlock's greatest fear is that he's just done something unforgivable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering why Father wanted to talk to Sherlock, read the February 2000 chapter of Evolution of Fear.


	31. March 2000, part 2

Sherlock thought that Father's funeral would be the one time Mycroft would not be an insufferable prat.  _(I was wrong.)_  After angrily stomping off, the first thing Sherlock did was buy cocaine. He hadn't intended to relapse this soon, but he he didn't know what else to do with all that emotion. The day after the funeral, Sherlock awakens in an alley somewhere in London. As he gets his bearings, he realizes that he can't see any CCTV cameras anywhere, and that gives him an idea. He goes back to his flat and picks up a few possessions – a coat, a scarf, and his old student violin. Mummy's violin would stand out too much, plus he'd have to return to the Manor to fetch it.

_(Homeless people can go anywhere in this city unnoticed. Even if a camera did record them, no one would watch. Not even Mycroft.)_

Sherlock figures he can live on the streets and play violin when he needs money. He knows that the homeless life has its share of indignities, but he decides it's a small price to pay for escaping Mycroft.  _(Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king.)_

Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft will find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king" is a quote from Diogenes. I guess the boys do have more in common than Sherlock would like to believe. :)
> 
> If you want to know what Mycroft did to upset Sherlock, read the March 2000 chapter of Evolution of Fear.


	32. 2001

Sherlock perches on a fire escape, knees folded to his chest. In the alley below, the police are investigating the murder of Jack, a homeless friend of his. Tonight, there's a new officer working with the usual idiots. Sherlock studies him closely. He can tell from the new officer's shoes that he's a bit smarter than the others.  _(This one won't be able to solve the crime on his own, but perhaps he'll listen to me.)_  Sherlock bounds down the fire escape and leaps into the alley.

The new officer jumps. "Oi! This is a crime scene! What are you doing here?"

"Watching. More specifically, watching a murderer slip through your fingers."

"And I suppose you've solved it?"

"Yes. It was the man they call Big Poppa," and Sherlock goes on to explain that the killer was wearing size 12 Fila trainers, the green threads left when his hoodie tore indicate his gang affiliation, and the dog hairs are from Big Poppa's pit bull.

Another officer calls out, "Lestrade! Get over here!"

"I've got to go. Thanks for your input, Mister…"

"Sherlock Holmes," he says, and leaps back onto the fire escape, disappearing from Lestrade's view. Sherlock's greatest fear is that Lestrade won't use the information he's been given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who paid close attention to "A Study In Pink" might recall that Lestrade said he'd known Sherlock for five years. When I wrote "Evolution of Fear" I'd forgotten about that line and had Sherlock and Lestrade as established colleagues in 2003 (seven years before ASiP). Oops! Since this story is in the same universe, I needed to keep the timeline consistent between the two. If you're a canon stickler, just pretend it's an AU.


	33. 2002

Sherlock is in an alley in a posh area of London. Normally, he'd never go to this part of town, but Pixie is out begging and she shouldn't be here alone, not after what happened the last time. Sherlock knows all too well that just because a neighbourhood is  _posh_ , that doesn't make it  _safe_.

Hiding behind a crate, he sees a well-dressed man walk straight into Pixie and knock her down. Sherlock charges down the alley to give him what for.  _(How dare he!)_  When Sherlock sees the man's face, his eyes go wide and he darts behind a skip.  _(Mycroft!)_

Sherlock leans against the skip, panting.  _(God knows what he'll do to me!)_

A few minutes later, Pixie returns and gives Sherlock five pounds and a note from Mycroft. Sherlock growls and throws the note in the skip. He tries to throw the money out too, but Pixie stops him, saying they need it.

"Fine, but spend it as soon as you can! He's probably got a tracking device in it! Don't come back to the bridge until you have," Sherlock says over his shoulder, disappearing into the night _. (Can't trust her until she gets rid of the cash.)_

Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mycroft will kidnap him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skip" is British slang for a Dumpster. Yes, Sherlock is a bit OOC here - he's high on cocaine and paranoid.


	34. 2003

Sherlock has been pushing his limits for years. A little bit more cocaine, injecting instead of snorting, then injecting more and more and more. The palpitations are getting to be too much, and he knows his paranoia isn't rational but he still can't shut it off, and he isn't the only one who suffers from it.  _(At least Pixie got back all right that night. The next time she wants to make money while I'm high, I'll send Spider with her.)_

Sherlock doesn't want to give up drugs completely, but maybe there's a way to get the focus from cocaine with a little less paranoia. One of his drug dealers suggests a speedball -  a combination of cocaine and heroin. Sherlock knows this is dangerous, but what's life without danger? Besides, everyone has to die someday, and there are worse ways to die than in an experiment.

He injects the speedball, and at first it's amazing. His best cocaine high ever, and with a euphoria and peace he's never felt before. His legs start to feel wobbly and he decides he'll just lie down for a moment.  _(God, I'm cold…)_

Before he drifts off to sleep, Sherlock's greatest fear is that the text he just sent won't be believed.


	35. Interlude: Lestrade's Greatest Fear

It's a drizzly evening, and Lestrade has just left the Yard. He's looking forward to a hot meal when his phone dings.  _(Christ. It's Sherlock.)_  Reluctantly, he digs his phone out to see what the brilliant arse wants now.

_im sorry - sh_

Lestrade shudders. Sherlock would rather walk around naked than send a grammatically incorrect text, and he never apologises. For him to do both is a sign that something has gone horribly wrong. Lestrade drives like a madman to Sherlock's bridge. Once there, he finds Sherlock unconscious and barely breathing with a syringe next to him.

A homeless teenage girl approaches and asks what happened. Lestrade tosses her his phone and tells her to call 999 while he examines the drugs in Sherlock's pockets.  _(A speedball. Sherlock, you idiot!)_

After the paramedics arrive, the girl taps Lestrade on the shoulder. "His brother gave him this," she says, holding out a grubby paper. "He didn't want it, but I kept it in case he changed his mind."

The note reads, "Please call me any time. – Mycroft" with the number beneath. Lestrade tells the girl she's done well and gives her some cash.

As he dials Mycroft's number, Lestrade's greatest fear is that Mycroft won't get to St. Bart's in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock returns next chapter! I gave Lestrade a turn because I needed to explain who called the ambulance for Sherlock and how that person knew to notify Mycroft. (And because Lestrade is cool.)


	36. 2003, part 2

Sherlock wakes up in the hospital and feels like his throat is a gravel pit. Slowly, he opens his eyes and Mycroft's face comes into focus.  _(What the hell?)_ The expression on his brother's face reminds him of all the times Mycroft put plasters on his skinned knees and spider bites. He puts the thought out of his mind.

After expressing his incredulity at Mycroft, he compares him to Father, and Mycroft does something amazing: he makes Sherlock laugh. The two men chat civilly for the first time in years.

As Mycroft departs, he tells Sherlock that he's glad he didn't have to plan another funeral. "You're very lucky to have been granted another chance, baby brother. I implore you not to waste it."

Sherlock stares at the ceiling.  _(Still alive. How very dull.)_  His greatest fear is that he'll never stop being bored.


	37. 2003, part 3

Lestrade knocks on the door to Sherlock's hospital room. When the younger man tells him to come in, Lestrade asks how he's feeling.

"Bored!"

"Mycroft told me you're planning to go to rehab," Lestrade says.

Sherlock snorts dismissively. " _Mycroft_  plans for me to go to rehab. He's never asked about  _my_  plan."

"And I suppose your plan is to go back to being a homeless junkie?"

"Something  _wrong_  with that?"

"Yes," the DI barks. "Sherlock, you're the most brilliant detective I've ever met, and you've helped me put away some very dangerous people. But you're also addicted to cocaine, and if word gets out that I've been receiving help from an addict, the evidence you found will be thrown out and criminals will walk free. And that would be the end of  _both_  our careers."

Sherlock shifts uncomfortably. He loves it when the Yard consults him, loves the thrill of the chase, loves seeing clues that no one else does. Life without detective work would be unimaginably dull.

Lestrade looks him in the eye and declares, "I will not consult you again unless you get clean."

"Fine," the younger man grumbles. "I'll go to rehab."

Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll fail again.


	38. 2008

Sherlock has been clean for five years _._ His detective career has been successful, if not very profitable. While he doesn't concern himself with the balance of his trust fund, Mycroft does.  _(Money is boring and so is Mycroft.)_  His brother has given him an ultimatum: make more money or find cheaper lodgings. Since he won't have Mycroft interfering with his work, he decides to find a flatmate.

His first attempt at a flatshare doesn't go well.  _(One would think that a person would rather listen to Bach on the violin than sleep!)_

Flatmate Two could handle the violin, but found it a bit unnerving when Sherlock didn't speak for 72 hours, even going so far as to hold a mirror under Sherlock's nose to ensure that he was still breathing.  _(What an idiot.)_

Flatmate Three for some reason objected to the toes in the freezer.  _(The bag was sealed!)_

After the third flatmate moves out, Sherlock begins to worry. If he doesn't cut costs somehow, Mycroft will go back to running his life as he did when Sherlock was a child. Sherlock's greatest fear is that he'll never find a flatmate who isn't dull.


	39. 2010

Sherlock has gone through flatmates the way allergy sufferers go through tissues. Having given up on keeping a flatmate, he decides to look for cheaper lodgings.

He's known for some time that Mrs. Hudson is back in London; she inherited a property a few years ago and has been renting out the upstairs flat ever since. _(It's a little expensive, but perhaps she'll give me a break on the rent.)_  His homeless network tells him that her tenants recently moved out. Sherlock picks up a newspaper and finds Mrs. Hudson's advertisement  _(can't have her think I've been spying on her)_.

Sherlock has not seen Mrs. Hudson since 1999. She said she wouldn't speak to him when he was using, and he relapsed almost immediately after his first stint in rehab. Over the last few years, he's wanted to get in touch with her, but he's never known what to say. Now he does, and the lump in his throat is so large he can barely speak.

As he knocks on the door of 221 Baker Street, Sherlock's greatest fear is that Mrs. Hudson has forgotten him.


	40. 2010, part 2

Sherlock is conducting an experiment on haemoglobin when Mike Stamford walks into the lab with a short blond man whom he introduces as John Watson. Immediately, Sherlock can tell that Stamford's friend is an Army doctor recently invalided home from either Iraq or Afghanistan. A quick question proves that it's Afghanistan, and a glance at his phone confirms Sherlock's suspicions that the man's looking for a flatshare. Sherlock wonders what Stamford was thinking, introducing him to a potential flatmate; didn't he just say how many flatmates he's had? Maybe Stamford is playing a practical joke on John.

Sherlock is about to leave, thinking there's no way John Watson will volunteer to share a flat with him. He stops when John presses him for more information about the address, the time of the meeting, and his name.  _(I suppose I should have mentioned that.)_  Sherlock is secretly impressed by the short man's ability to stand up to him. A small part of the detective dares to hope that maybe the two of them could even enjoy living together. He gives John the information and swoops off to retrieve his riding crop.

Sherlock's greatest fear is that John Watson won't come to 221B tomorrow.


	41. 2011

Sherlock walks into the pool with a flash drive held up, telling Moriarty that he has what the criminal wants. He stops dead in his tracks when John steps out of a changing booth wearing a parka.

For a moment, Sherlock's greatest fear is that his only friend betrayed him. Then he notices something else, and that fear is replaced by a dozen others.

_(He's blinking SOS. What has Moriarty done to him?)_

_(Oh no. He's covered in semtex and there's a sniper rifle trained on him.)_

_(John is trying to sacrifice himself for me? John, you idiot!)_

_(Yes, John, step back. And for God's sake, next time_ think  _before you do something so foolish!)_

_(He's gone. Get the bomb off of John!)_

_(John's all right. Why am I still frightened when I know he's all right?)_

_(The rifle is aimed at John again. Very well, Moriarty; I shall see to it that none of us leave this building alive.)_

_(Is that "Staying Alive"? What the hell?)_

_(Well, that was anticlimactic. I was rather looking forward to disposing of this madman.)_

Sherlock knows he and John will see Moriarty again. His greatest fear is that next time John won't be so lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to KrisEleven for suggesting this!


	42. June 16, 2012

Sherlock stands on the edge of the roof of St. Bart's. Moriarty lies dead behind him and John stands in the street below. To outside observers, it seems that all is lost, but Sherlock has a plan. Sherlock instructs John to keep his eyes fixed on him, and blessedly, he does as he's told.

_(No more talking. The snipers might catch on.)_  Sherlock chucks the phone behind him and it clatters to the roof. He opens his arms out and takes a swan dive. His limbs flail as he falls – while he's fairly certain he won't die, falling is an extremely unnerving sensation. Injury and death aren't what scare him most, however. Death is inevitable, like traffic jams and the common cold, and he can handle pain.

Sherlock knows that after the fall, he'll have to find and kill every single one of Moriarty's men before he can return to Baker Street. That doesn't scare him either; he's no more concerned about killing them than he would be about killing cockroaches.

When he hits the landing pad, Sherlock's greatest fear is that John will never forgive him for what he's just done.


	43. June 19, 2012

Sherlock limps up the driveway of Holmes Manor, supported by Molly Hooper. He's been hiding at Molly's flat since his "suicide," waiting for the media frenzy to die down. Luck was on his side; two days after he jumped, someone found topless photos of Kate Middleton and the media forgot about Sherlock.  _(Thank you, Irene.)_  He's still injured from the fall but he needs to get out of the country while the media is distracted, and there is only one person who can help him: Mycroft. Unfortunately, Mycroft also helped to put him in this situation.

Sherlock approaches his childhood home with trepidation. John told him that Mycroft was sorry for what he'd done, but Sherlock is sceptical. The brothers got on well as children, but those days are just a hazy memory now. The insults, the slights, and the jealousy all stand in sharp relief. He's tried not to dwell on the possibility that Mycroft was in league with Moriarty, but it eats at him like sulfuric acid.

Once he's settled in on the living room couch, Sherlock listens for Mycroft's return. When his brother comes home, Sherlock will ask the question that's been torturing him. And whatever the answer is, Sherlock Holmes will have nothing more to fear.


End file.
